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After Or Before

by Britt Kusserow

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1.
Mythology 03:11
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Your daddy loved your mama more than man has ever loved Taught your siblings how to wayfare, taught his youngest to be tough And lined up by Lake Michigan, in matching sweaters, wearing thin Everything was perfect, and you always had enough And when enough no longer was, you struck out on your own You found fire in the wilderness, and water from a stone But your mind was always vigilant, your heart was always dissonant, And everything was perfect, or so you always told Now you can't back down from this life you built All the reckoning between gut and guilt All the scaffolding, nothing more than quilts Under Great Lake ice where your earth still tilts Your daddy was Odysseus, your mama, fair Penelope But the heart remembers Helen in the lonely nights out on the sea So now you know the secret, that to love means stages of regret And everything is perfect And you, you are enough
2.
Apartment 801 03:23
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The ceiling has its stains, and the couch has seen a lively past Watching like it always has, moved from place to place There's nothing here to eat but Airborne and Emergen-C I use rabbit ears on my TV, for PBS, and NBC But I set things up the way I thought that you might like it All my furniture's meticulously placed I can't control my thermostat, too hot or cold, and who needs that But I think we'll be just warm enough when you come to stay I'm confused by love, wondrous in the morning light When you search me with wide open eyes You'll be here in a week But sometimes I regress, and I think I'm damned, I'm scared you'll leave When you find out the rest of me, on VH1, or MTV See, I am still so reckless, like the time I broke that necklace That she gave me in a letter just before she went to Greece Still so many pictures, every now and then I miss her But maybe that's the consequence of dreaming for the sea The oven's way too small, but that's okay, 'cause I don't bake There's nothing to eat anyway, and nothing on the walls You'll be here in a week, and I'll pick you up and drive you home I love it when we're almost home, and you're dancing, riding next to me Alas, alas, there's nothing here until you're here beside me And I won't fear the noises of my kitchen in the night I hope you like the traffic cone I stole from that convenience store I hope you like the parts of me I find to hard to fight
3.
Saturday 03:03
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You grit your teeth against forever, Opening your eyes to contemplate these clouds And in your shadow, I feel wise Hanging on your words, holding me together Ripe rain covering skin, And how I never found the words to say When all is pushed aside, It's been a long, long Saturday You can't depend upon the weather To sort out the lies you've called so close to home And squinting, you'll take no advice Just your stubborn stance Oh, how you might have grown! Ripe rain covering skin, And how I never found the words to say When all is pushed aside, It's been a long, long Saturday Turns out these things I've placed on you All these qualities, quantities, quandaries Aren't just yours to bear But I was unaware That ripe rain covering skin Shows how I never found the words to say When all is pushed aside, These attributes are mine It's been a long, long Saturday
4.
I Am The Moon 03:52
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(instrumental)
5.
Living On The Line 03:02
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Well I've been traveling this old road For so many years, it seems a life ago You'd meet me in the back stairwell In your grace, the words would fall like rain Upon a candle flame, whoa oh If I moved to the city lights Oil company wouldn't own my life And I could start to write again I've looked for you so many times, my friend In all the wrong dead ends, my my She don't understand why my eyes Seem somewhere else when I'm tying down the mast, tonight And I just want to walk in her stride Can't help but feel we're living on the line The wise one said the bullfrog croaked To the little frogs to come on over Cross the pond, it was too deep, To put their toes in, take that leap, And so he said to go, to go around It's an age old tale of sink or swell And so we tell and try to tell it well, If things don't go the way you want Forget the depths, take a jaunt Journey down the path that no one's found But she don't understand why my eyes Seem somewhere else when I'm tying down the mast, tonight And I just want to walk in her stride Can't help but feel we're living on the line She don't understand why my eyes Seem somewhere else when I'm tying down the mast, tonight And I just want to walk in her stride Can't help but feel we're living on Help but feel we're living on The line between this old love of mine And a wisened hand that beckons from the other side So do I stay with my past in sight? Or seek the path that no one's ever tried? There's so much on the line There's so much on the line
6.
Names And Faces 03:29
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There was a girl All she ever wanted was to bring them all together All these people tied, tethered to the world They called it unrealistic, So she called them pessimistic with her fists out Missing the point All her friends were vandals for a peaceful sort of scandal Crack a smile so you can handle chapter two It's called the revolution and it's in its final stages All we need now is for everything to come unglued In her dreams she saw God in all the faces And she trembled 'cause she was never any good at remembering names Oh, she tried so hard, to try so hard to follow But the silence of prayer was a language she couldn't relay She met a man, he told her to let go She was a petal drifting helpless to fountain flow She held a hand, softer than her own She left her callouses behind and moved ahead On to the homestead, family helped her forget That she had a dream, she had a goal But it just felt so comfortable to stay Where everybody already knew, I said they already knew what she had to say In her dreams she saw God in all the faces And she trembled 'cause she was never any good at remembering names Oh, she tried so hard, to try so hard to follow But the silence of prayer was a language she couldn't relay And in her dreams, God's hands would gently lift her, just to say This is my daughter, with whom I am not always well pleased But I love her - and I love you all the same
7.
Leave The Light On 04:51
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She says I think you're running Oh, my child what are you running from? I didn't tell, and I am still not sure that I can say But it breaks a mother's heart To see a child who seems so competent At everything but finding strength to hold a love and stay Leave the light on Leave the light on She is pleading down the phone now When you will rest your heels? I am growing ever older and I worry And I may not ever give her, not a damn thing that is real But it breaks my heart to leave behind the hurry Keep the light on Keep the light on I am getting good at dreaming, vivid scenes that I incite So I'm stitching up your parachute most every night Or I'm calling back to tell you I was wrong and now I know But instead of moving sideways I will pack my bags and go Where the light is always on Streaming through my every window pane Though all the blinds are drawn Coast to canyon I will stray But this time I'll swear to every god I know To try like hell to stay
8.
Finding Orion 03:51
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Still is the night once more That I can't stop moving must be metaphor Far to my right, such noise The Seven Sisters lament with one voice So I have come to know me And shed foolish notions that nothing is free Olivia cries when her father leaves I map out the heavens, and try not to breathe And each night I slumber with hard work behind This sweat and this toil I hoped I would find The Seven Sisters come willing and true Finding Orion proves harder to do Once I was young and strong Once I was quicker to love and to long Was I so rash? Was I so wrong? When did my laugh turn to hesitant song Each night I slumber with hard work behind This sweat and this toil I hoped I would find The Seven Sisters come willing and true Finding Orion proves harder to do I know it's selfish to wonder what's mine Orion travels in Orion's time So many stars pass just out of my view Finding a balance proves hardest to do
9.
Bishop 03:56
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(instrumental)
10.
After Or Before 04:52
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Oh Life, why must you grasp? Each loss less than the last Each invitation, long since past Each truth, as sharp as glass Oh Love, what is to gain? What coda, or refrain? So many pathways in one brain Such overgrown terrain And I'm happy, after all, Neither regret the large, nor small The choices that I hardly saw Am I marrow, or the maw? Oh Time, what have you known? What mystics wept alone? What suns have bleached what brittle bones To return to sand, and stone I guess life is for the sure Those arrogant enough to dream a cure To temper what they saw was pure Am I less, or am I more? Am I after, or before? Am I wave? Or am I shore?

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released July 1, 2023

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Britt Kusserow Los Angeles, California

Britt Kusserow is a queer singer/songwriter who has lived in too many places. Her latest album, “After Or Before,” is a collection of new songs as well as older songs, reimagined. Britt's lyrics frequently explore existential and spiritual themes, and they are influenced by artists like The Indigo Girls, The Weepies, and Tracy Chapman. ... more

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